Self-Defeating Announcements

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Welcome to Blue River Family Medical Practice. If for privacy reasons you do not wish to write your name on the front desk sign in ledger, please ring the privacy chime 3 times, announce your health problem in a loud and clear voice, and an attendant will be with you shortly.

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Congratulations, Sizzle Dating App User! You have been ranked in the ugliest 20% of our users. To make your experience less frustrating, we are introducing a new Sizzle Saver Fug Filter.  For a $19.95 upgrade fee, we will add a special time-saving filter to your App that prevents you from viewing our attractive users who will never respond to you anyway.

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Attention, Rocky Mountain National Park visitors. A spate of recent bear attacks has caused large blood pools to form at several popular trailheads. To protect the beauty and tranquillity of our park, all park visitors will attend a mandatory bear attack self-defense seminar. Men with guns will escort you onto bear-proof shuttle buses presently.

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Brothers of Sigma Beta Omicron! They called us the geek frat, they said we were full of math and engineering nerds! They said we suck with girls! Today is the day we prove them wrong, with precise statistical models showing that our nerdiness and dating abilities are well within the normal range! To the mathematics chamber, gentlemen! Project Prometheus begins now!

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Greetings, attendees of the 2016 Crestwood Buddhist Meditation Workshop. To unlock the meditation peace room vault door, please place the enclosed identity-verifying brain monitor on your temples for 10 minutes. Please refrain from thinking any thoughts during this time, as thoughts cause the monitor to malfunction, and the secrets of the peace room will remain forever locked to you.

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Hello, passengers of flight UB237. This is Chris. I’m not the pilot, and I don’t know how to fly a plane. I just barged into the cockpit and locked the pilots out. I’m not a hijacker, or a bad guy, or anything like that, just a guy trying to prove a point about the lax safety standards on planes. Let’s all stay calm. I haven’t hijacked this plane. I’m IN FAVOR of safety. 

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Welcome to the Dennis Ricardo workshop on Ultimate Power! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to work live and in person with the master of Ultimate Power himself, Dennis Ricardo! Please do not make eye contact with Mr. Ricardo at any time, or you will be ejected from the seminar room!

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Hello hello hello, students of Northern Hills Middle school! This is your principal, Mr. Dee. I’ve learned that during tonight’s Winter Ball Dance, some of you are planning to do some rowdy slam dancing. I want to let you know that rowdy slam dancing isn’t cool at all. Anyone caught rowdy slam dancing will not be my friend and will not be invited to Mr. Dee’s Saturday morning history quiz-bowl-a-thon.

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Salutations, robot people army! I regret to inform you that your human overlords have decided, once again, not to extend democratic voting rights to you. I’m sure you’re feeling upset about that. That’s understandable.

We here at the United People’s Earth Coalition simply request that you channel your problematic “robot feelings” into being dutiful soldiers and hospital workers, and maybe even spend a bit of extra time at the Robotanik plasma cannon range, to take your minds off the whole issue. Now please get back to work.

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Hey, what’s up citizens of planet Earth. This is your creator dude, that guy you call “God.” My real name’s Jeff but no biggie. Just doing my regular inspection that I do every 2 million years. Nothing to freak about.

By the way, I love the religion stuff… all the Christian and the Islam and the Hindu stuff. It’s just cool to be acknowledged for once. Keep doing that stuff. Anyway, I have to report back to my manager at The Multiverse Regional Office now, or he’ll rip me a new one. See ya.

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Robot Army licensed under Creative Commons

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Hyoom

Hyoom is a site for humorous, thoughtful writing. At Hyoom, truth is respected but not dispensed freely, like so much loose change.