Echo Chamber Construction Service
Are other people’s incorrect ideas making you sad? Are pesky ideological disagreements getting you down? Do you become frustrated when the idiots in your life say the wrong thing instead of just toeing the line? We here at Blinkered, Inc. know just what that’s like. And we can fix the problem. Presenting our Echo Chamber Construction Service.
Being confronted with thoughts that don’t gel with the ceaseless voice in your head can be downright traumatic. Finally, a solution to this pesky problem! Echo Chamber Construction is the only patent-pending service that’s proven to significantly reduce the mental discomfort resulting from evil ideas. We’ll put your life back the way it should be: full of the comforting reverberations of your sacred little beliefs.
Is Echo Chamber Construction right for you? Ask yourself, are you…
…someone who views your political views—not, you know, how you treat other people and how you live your life—as a source of moral goodness?
…someone who views empirical evidence primarily through the lens of social status and tribal membership?
…someone who non-ironically told someone on the internet that you would “kick their ass”?
…someone who thinks that “the principle of charity” is about the founding charter of the Salvation Army?
…someone who thinks that knowing about cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and groupthink renders you immune from these things?
…someone who uses controversial debates as an excuse to be a big fat jerk to others?
If one or more of these things describes you, then Echo Chamber Construction may be right for you! On the other hand, if one of the preceding descriptions made you confused or angry, then Echo Chamber Construction is definitely right for you!
If you purchase our Echo Chamber, here’s what we’ll do:
1. We’ll run a complete social media audit of your top sites, being sure to completely block any friends, followers, or pages who says things that are outside your happy zone.
2. One of our Blinkered, Inc. “Yes Men” will personally call you once a day to talk about whatever problems are vexing you lately. No matter what you say, our Yes Man will give you an “honest reaction,” which will always happen to be complete agreement with whatever angry outburst came out of your face.
3. We’ll use a quiz to determine your dozen personal shibboleths. Then we’ll build a custom Pokemon plush toy doll that parrots them back to you when squeezed.
4. With our deluxe package, you’ll also receive our signature “Blinkered Ball,” a life-size artificially intelligent hamster ball. Just climb inside, and roll about your daily life as usual. If you encounter any wrong opinions, the Blinkered Ball will know and become instantly opaque. Then it will begin playing Brian Eno’s “Music for Airports,” and gently roll away from the source of the disturbance.
Do not wait! Call 1-800-YES-ECHO today. Representatives are not standing by! They are lounging quietly and safely in large, wonderful bean bags! Call now!
**Disclaimer: Side-effects of Echo Chamber Construction include elevated smugness, reduced humility, reduced communication abilities, and grossly inflated self-importance. Long-term side-effects may include isolation, bitterness, and reality eventually crashing down on one’s tender head.
The FDA has determined that Echo Chamber Construction cannot actually solve any problems, curtail genuine injustices, stop wars, cure diseases, or make anyone objectively better-off.
If user becomes dangerously supercilious to the point of continuous, medically-harmful self-fellatio, do not call Blinkered Inc. Please immediately call 911.