What Your Favorite Heavy Metal Genre Says About You
Classic Heavy Metal: Your first child is named “umlaut.”
Power Metal: “Not loving dragons enough,” is your biggest dating dealbreaker.
Post-Metal: Your favorite incense holder is a cow’s skull.
Blackgaze: You enjoy being romantically growled at by dreamy, longhaired French men.
Folk Metal: You have dueled a beekeeper to earn a woman’s love.
Doom Metal: You have described both World Wars as “too mainstream.”
Grindcore: You have electrocuted yourself on a cattle fence while committing eco-terrorism.
Prog Metal: You once described the features of a Toyota Celica for ninety minutes straight.
Viking Metal: You have severely injured yourself by attacking a tornado with a sword.
Mathcore: You once “solved” the Fermi paradox on the back of a donut shop napkin.
Drone Metal: You enjoy watching slow-motion YouTube videos of volcano eruptions.
Nu Metal: You have stored a hot pocket inside a Vans sneaker.
Stoner Metal: You have crashed a Chrysler LeBaron into a lagoon.
Deathcore: You have punched more than twenty trees.
Djent: You have spent a full day in your bedroom constructing a Mandelbrot fractal out of Cheetos.
Goregrind: You have been expelled from autopsy school for getting frisky with the corpses.
Symphonic Metal: Every morning you drink chocolate milk from a bejeweled goblet.
Florida Death Metal: You were fired from a children’s puppet show for using excess stage blood.
Black Metal: Global warming makes you sad because it will destroy glaciers and happy because it will kill people with glaciers.
New Wave of British Heavy Metal: You learned the word “polymath” by reading Bruce Dickinson’s wikipedia page.
New Wave of Swedish Death Metal: You have stood on the roof of a mountain cabin and growled at some birds.
Pirate Metal: You invented your own type of Jello shot using DayQuil.
Mesopotamian Metal: You have an impressive knowledge of sphinxes.