7 Skills Every Arcturian Woman Should Master

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Cosmoturian monthly, top magazine for liberated Woman all across Arcturus is proudly present newest feature: 7 Skills Every Arcturian Woman Should Master!

1. Journaling emotions to prevent dangerous fission eruption: As every Arcturian man has know to say, “Uh oh Woman, it that special time of tri-lunar phase again!” Ladies, do not allow emotion to build into dangerous level for fear of costly fission eruption! 

2.  Laying egg-sack in protected antigravity egg-sack perimeter: There come time in every young Arcturian Woman life when she must increase clan brood. Always make eggsack deposit within protected perimeter!

3.  How to have pleasant temporal distortion sleepover party with girlfriends: Part of growing into full blown Arcturian Womanhood is manipulating continuum.  Make it fun with feisty sleepover party!

4.  How to perform sever enemy Thorax with laser gauntlet: Arcturian Woman cannot always rely on Man for defense. Modern Woman does protect clan maneuvers on all necessary occasions!

5.  How to use discorporation module without embarrassing body switching accident: This one speak for itself, ladies!

6.  Resisting urge to devour feral baby from rival clan: Mathematical chance decree that every Arcturian sooner or later come across feral baby from rival clan.  Modern Arcturian woman pride herself on self-control.  Do not devour feral baby for fear of starting costly Nebula war!

7. Know some Arcturian culture: Common misconception is that Arcturian man only enjoy Woman for clan breeding and sexy war dance. Not true! Woman is value for knowledge. Arcturian Man will be impressed if you know good Arcturian poem or song, for example “Hymn of the exalted battle lord, Oroxian” or, always a classic, “Larvae my sweet, Larvae my grave”.

Be sure tune in next issue for our special on 62 tricks for crazy sexy landmine disarm tactics.


Nebula Pic licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.

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