John’s New Assignment

  • Increase / decrease font
  • A +
  • A -

Well, well. Looks like I’ve found you.

Listen to me, John, and listen good.

You may be through with this country, but this country isn’t through with you.

2 hours ago. Army transport plane went down. Way down.

Huangshan Mountain Range, China.

That plane had something we need to recover, or a lot of people are going to suffer.

Yeah, I get it. You think that people are overrated. Well, sometimes people are all you have… Sometimes, people are all you can count… on.

I wouldn’t come here if it weren’t serious, John. Something was on that plane. Something that this country can’t afford to give up.

I’ll tell you what it was.

A box. A black box. Inside the box is a computer. On that computer, there’s a code. The code… it’s instructions. The instructions for building a second computer. On that second computer there are Coordinates. Coordinates to a savage mountain. On that savage mountain is an old Kung Fu man with a desperate secret. Pry it out of him. And then he’ll tell you how to cook the perfect pot of carrot soup. Cook that soup, John. And give it to the townsfolk below.

That’s when shit gets real serious. The folk will try to kill you, but then, suddenly, they won’t. They’ll take you to a door. A bomb-proof, laser-sealed, NASA-grade blast door. Behind that door is something that could blow up a lot of skirts, John. It’s not a bomb. It’s a mind. A gold mind. A mind that can create enough gold to fill the federal reserve 20 times over. It could save this country. It could put us on the right path.

Yeah, I get it. That’s complicated. Well, life is complicated. You can wish it weren’t, but if wishes were horses, I’d have ridden to an early retirement.

And if we don’t find that mind, you’ll never wish again.

A threat? No, that’s no threat. It’s a prediction, John. A very scary prediction.

Yeah, I know you’ve given this country your sweat, your blood, your tears. You’ve shot enough bullets to fill a lake. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that enough to placate the generals? Isn’t that enough blood for the masters?

Those are great questions, but ultimately rhetorical. I’m going to gloss over them.

There’s someone you need to know… someone who’s gonna be coming with you on this mission.

Oh, you work alone. You’re a lone wolf, a lone dog, a lone eagle, a lone daiquiri on the cabana at sunset. Well that’s a nice variety of loners, John… but this time it’s no loners allowed.

Meet your new partner for this mission. John, meet Morgan. Morgan, John.

Watch your mouth! This isn’t just any baby. This baby happens to have a PhD from MIT in computational linguistics.

How is that possible? Wrong question, John. The question you should’ve asked is: Why don’t all babies have PhDs. It’s because of our American education system. It’s royally fucked.

Now you’re gonna work with this baby and like it. By the way, did I mention that Morgan is also a demolitions expert and a trained knife assassin?

One more thing you need to know. We’ve got reports that The Chinese Government knows about the transport. We have reason to believe that they’ve dispatched a team of Spider Commandos to recover the box.

They’re not actually spiders, John. They’re just extremely deadly humans who are named after spiders. And they have a special weapon: Spiders.


Boat pic licensed under Creative Commons.

Oh Yes, There's More...

Receive further written amusement in your inbox, once a month.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.