The Disease

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The Disease is the last thing you want.

With The Disease, it’s impossible to sit in a meeting for more than 10 minutes without falling asleep.

The Disease decreases your awareness of the lines that mark parking spots. So, you’ll just have to park anywhere.

The Disease gives you a voracious appetite for donuts and pizza. But with The Disease, you can’t eat any vegetables. They taste terrible!

The Disease makes it hard to pay attention when someone is talking. All you can think about is what you want to say next, or what they’d look like with their shirt off.

When you have The Disease, you’ll eat Kevin’s favorite box of cereal, knowing how angry he would be if anyone ate it. Why would you do that to Kevin? Because, The Disease.

The Disease changes what your words mean: “I promise” becomes “fat chance”, and “I love you” means “Got any money?”.

When you have The Disease, even after 8 hours of sleep you won’t feel like getting up. You’ll just lie there for 30 minutes, luxuriating.

The Disease makes you cut in line. If you see a line, you’ll cut right up to the front while screaming “no lines! no mas!”.

When you have The Disease, you don’t care about global warming, deforestation, third world poverty, or anything like that. None of that stuff seems fun to you!

The Disease makes you flakey! You’ll break your plans with Kevin at the drop of a hat if Alicia calls you back.

The Disease gives you an irrationally strong preference for sultry redheads who, thanks to The Disease, you refer to as “Ju Ju Fires”.

The Disease makes you drive 50 in a 30, 65 in a 45, and 40 in a 65.

With The Disease, you’ll use the opposite sex! You’ll use them for a good time in the sack. Or to not feel lonely. Or for flexible-payback loans. $$$

The Disease makes you slowly eat an ice cream cone and make exaggerated “mmmmm” noises in front of Kevin, even though you know he’s on a diet.

Luckily, there is a great support group, People With The Disease Supporting Each Other. Unluckily, anyone with The Disease will never attend, because they’re all allergic to hearing about other people’s stupid problems.

When you have The Disease, you lose the ability to give regular directions. You’ll mixup “left” and “right” with “butt”, so you end up telling Kevin that to get to the bar, take the first butt after the post office, then the second butt after the CVS, and you’re there.

The Disease causes procrastination, tardiness, indolence, shouting, and compulsively re-telling the same knock knock joke on multiple occasions.

I’ve had The Disease my entire life, and I pray to god that my doctor never finds the cure.


Dance of Death licensed under Creative Commons

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.