Time Warner Cable Customer Service Questionnaire

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Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable regarding the problem you are having with your internet or television service. In order to better serve you, please fill out the following online customer service intake questionnaire.

A score of at least 70% will be required to pass the questionnaire and provide you with a customer service representative.

How long have you been a Time Warner Cable Customer?

  1. Two amazing years
  2. Three joyous years
  3. More than 3 stunning, irreplaceable years
  4. Quite sadly, less than 2 years

Before you were a Time Warner Cable Customer, what was your life like?

  1. A lugubrious, muted landscape of boredom and sadness.
  2. A backwards, third-world pesthole.
  3. I’ve purged that time from my memory, using Time Warner Cable’s patented Memory Purge™

What area of Time Warner Cable service does your issue concern?

  1. My general lack of intelligence as a technology consumer.
  2. My own specific failure to understand how buttons work.
  3. My inability to ask for even basic TV or internet help from family or roommates.

What kind of specific problem are you having with your Time Warner Cable?

  1. None whatsoever. The service is shockingly outstanding.
  2. The picture quality on my digital cable is so good and lifelike that I don’t want to take trips anymore.
  3. The cable internet service is so speedy that I now have excessive free time in my day.
  4. The executives of Time Warner Cable are so financially-successful and morally-praiseworthy that it’s hard to find any other role models for my kids.

Have you contacted Time Warner Cable about this particular issue in the past?

  1. No, because I know that my problems are trifling compared to the value of your time.
  2. Yes, however the problem has recurred due to my own negligence.
  3. Yes, and you solved it! I am trying to get in touch to thank you, once again, for completely solving my problem and to offer you thank you chocolates.

How are you enjoying the questionnaire so far?

  1. It is wonderful, thank you.
  2. It is exactly the medicine I needed. Thank you so much!
  3. I’m not enjoying it, but I am a depressed and generally horrible person who enjoys nothing.

When taking multiple choice questionnaires, how does a lack of a “none of the above” option make you feel?

  1. Proud to be a Time Warner customer.
  2. Ashamed to be a recent former Comcast user.
  3. Hopeful about my diabetes.

When taking a multiple choice questionnaire, how do false presuppositions contained in that questionnaire make you feel?

  1. Ashamed that I beat my wife.
  2. Proud that I beat my husband.
  3. Terrified of the present King of France.
  4. Profoundly horny.

Thank you for completing the Time Warner Cable Customer Service Intake Questionnaire.

To speak with a representative, please print your questionnaire answers and send them via self-addressed, stamped letter to the nearest polar ice cap, and a customer service representative from Time Warner Cable will rendezvous with you at an undisclosed location in the distant future.

Thank you for choosing Time Warner Cable.


Rage Pic licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.