11 Technological Innovations That Will Change Everything

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Presenting a brief chronology of 11 technological innovations that will change everything!

2018. The Discovery of the first Alien Megastructure. Astronomers at a remote base in Greenland discovered the first confirmed alien mega structure, in Canis Minor. A non-natural sphere that envelops an entire solar system, the structure is 12.3 billion kilometers in diameter and made of advanced solar-absorbing alloys. Definitive proof of super-intelligent alien life!

2019. iPhone 8. Apple introduces the revolutionary selfie copter: a mini retractable helicopter blade that turns the iPhone into a mobile selfie unit that can fly around the room, taking up to 500 selfies per minute.

2021. Biodegradable Materials Are the Norm. All bags, packaging, and consumer products are now made from biodegradable plant materials. Landfills turn into compost heaps, and mankind’s trash begins to disappear forever. Mother Earth is safe at last.

2022. iPhone 9. The iPhone is now offered in 7 shades of orange: tangerine, marigold, spicy squash, marmalade, mac & cheese, orangutan, and orange julius.

2025. The Nanotechnological Cure for all Diseases. By miniaturizing disease-fighting robots to the size of human cells, humanity creates tiny warriors that defeat cancer, heart disease, and the common cold, on the cellular level. A new saying enters the vernacular: A spoonful of 10^12 nano bots per day keeps the doctor away!

2027. iPhone 10. It has 103 cameras, weighs less than a feather, and features “Beast Rap” mode, where Siri defeats all challengers in a free style rap battle. Apple unveils its new slogan: iPhone 10, Bitches!!!

2030. Engineering of the Human Genome for Crime Prevention.  Governments worldwide instituted the mandatory off switching of all genes correlated with aggression, antisocial behavior, and narcissism. Some bioethicists called it “the end of free will”, others called it “the dawn of true peace.”  Either way, murder, terrorism, and cow tipping are down 70%.

2034. iPhone 11. Calling it “the most radical product ever made,” Apple reveals that its flagship product is now made with anti-matter, giving all new iPhones a weight of -0.3 pounds. Apple’s new slogan: iPhone makes you lighter.

2035. iPhone 11s. Now it weighs -0.4 pounds.

2038. Quantum Teleportation. By harnessing the quantum nature of fundamental particles, physicists and engineers create teleportation machines that scan objects and instantly transfer them to a remote location, anywhere on the planet. Soldiers are teleported out of harms way, food is teleported to disaster areas, and visiting grandma is now a cinch.

2039. iPhone 12. No longer an external physical object, the iPhone directly integrates with the human brain. Apple gets in hot water for causing the new U2 album to forcibly auto-stream directly into all human brains.


Future Humans Pic licensed under Creative Commons

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.