Free Masons Quarterly Newsletter

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Brother Free Masons,

I am obligated by Masonic law to welcome you to the Fall edition of the Halifax Free Masons quarterly newsletter.

Tours of the Washington Mason lighthouse are still suspended due to slippery conditions on the winding rock path. With your help, we endeavor to keep these conditions poor, so that the tour is not re-opened.

Congratulations to North Halifax Lodge Master Lee Morris, recently promoted from the position of Vice Budgetary Chairman to to the position of Arch Demagogue.

Morris had quickly advanced in the ranks from Journeyman to Guardian to Skipper to Head Skipper to Dungeon Master to Honorary Honcho to Mother’s Lil Helper to Top Duke to Top Duck to Vice Budgetary Chairman, even skipping right over the ranks of Turtle Strummer and Cheese Paladin.

It appears we have a prodigy on our hands!

Morris is reportedly pleased by his new appointment, saying “I am prepared for the world wars to come, perched as I am inside the blind-eyed crypt of true faith.” Well spoken, Brother Morris! Some have called you the Bobby Fisher of Masonry, and whether or not that is true, you have our solemn support.

In Landmarks news, it is my duty to address a recent controversy about the tiling of our lodge. As you know, our lodge portal embodies Ancient Landmark XI of tiling, the immutable masonic law of decor.

I will remind you that it is important that we keep a bunch of carved pictures of scorpions and bearded kings and stuff like that near our door, to benight the public and make them think we have a ton of secrets… which we do!!!

In replacing an old tile, a debate erupted—between Brother Jessie and Brother Steve—about whether the new tile should depict “a bat with extra huge fangs” or “a viking king with a sword, chopping off the head of a snowman.”

Head Tiler Bradford has weighed in: “The precepts of Free Masonry are esoteric, arbitrary, and awesome. The interlopers, the ones we call the cowans, must be confused by our arcana. It it my decision as Head Tiler to eat a banana. Next, it is my decision that a viking king wouldn’t waste his time fighting snowmen. Besides, bats are creepy, and extra huge fangs? Geddoudaheeere!”  

The Head Tiler has spoken! By the sturdy old barons of England Country, let it be so!

Now, on to everyone’s favorite newsletter feature: Fortress news.

Cheese store reserves in our fortress remain strong. We are up +12% in Chevrotin, +5% in Formaggini, and +4% in Limburger.

Our supply of Amish Smoked Bermuda Onion remains unchanged at 0.21 hectares.

I regret to inform you that we are down -3% in all Goudas, due to a trade imbroglio with our mortal allies, the Belgians.

Our scout hawks report that the Belgian cheese schooner The Enzo, en route to our Washington port, has been sunk by cannonball, by an unprovoked attack from our mortal enemies, The National Transitional Council of Libya.

Our Brotherhood is committed to ending this imbroglio at all costs, repairing our stores, and preventing all future imbroglios.

Logistical support in this new campaign has been pledged by our former mortal enemy, and current mortal ally, Mozambique. All hail our new Mozambican Brothers!

In other fortress news, our falconry saw the birth of three baby eyasses. Falcon Master Brother Carmichael reports the eyasses to be in excellent health and extremely peckish.

We look forward to 24 continuous months of rigorous training, growth, and talon sharpening, to turn the eyasses into killer falcon death raiders, vital in our new war effort. Death to Libya!

Finally, it has come to my attention that our website received 0 visitors last quarter. Well done, Brothers!

On this fine October morning, I urge you to keep our sacred traditions buried in your breasts, a sharp sliver of Havarti in your coat pocket, and our Masonic secrets tight behind your mustachioed lips.

Fortune to our Brotherhood, misfortune to the cowans, and death to all sneaky eavesdroppers!

Always remember our motto as Free Masons… “Secrecy. Power. Money. Brotherhood. Money.” 

And be Brothers!

yours in secrecy,

Lord Eagle IV, esquire

Head Brother


Masons Initiation public domain.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.