Announcing the 2020 Republican Nominee: Optimus Prime

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2020 Republican National Convention
Presidential Nominee Introduction
Speech Draft

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Republican National Committee is pleased to announce the 2020 Republican Party Nominee for The Presidency of the United State of America.

After the unfortunate events of 2016, The Republican Party is committed to learning our lesson. We will not repeat our mistakes.

We have to be honest with ourselves. Our party is at an all time low. Our party elders have abandoned us, disgusted at our failures. We’ve failed to woo minorities, legal immigrants, and the youth vote, clinging to a demographic that shrinks by the day.

We have done considerable soul searching. And we have thought long and hard about the candidate that both represents our party and is best-equipped to lead America into the 2020s.

Here is what we believe.

We need a candidate with outstanding leadership abilities, a commanding public presence, and an irreproachable moral character.

We need a law-and-order candidate who has a blue-collar work ethic, a commitment to justice, and a strong dislike of rap music.

This candidate must also ideally posses advanced military tactics, intimidating hand-to-hand combat abilities, and a cornucopia of futuristic alien weaponry.[1]

This candidate is Optimus Prime.

Optimus Prime is a born leader who has what this country needs most desperately: The Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

Optimus Prime isn’t afraid to dig in and do the tough but necessary work. This is expressed both literally and metaphorically by Optimus Prime’s ability to fully retract his right arm and replace it with a glowing axe.

At his core, Optimus Prime is an enormous Red, White-ish, and Blue truck with a gun. This appeals to us greatly. It is what our party is all about.

We need scarcely point out that this nomination will easily secure our four key voter constituencies: gun owners, truckers, law and order authoritarians, and 11 year old boys.

A traditionalist? Optimus Prime’s traditions go back millions of years to the Golden Age of Cybertron!

We will never again make the mistake of nominating a charismatic and smooth-talking candidate with bad motives who lusts for ultimate power. Optimus Prime has proven time and time again that he has a benevolent attitude toward human beings and believes in the power of mutual cooperation.

Optimus Prime stands for the protection and liberty of ALL citizens and, indeed, all sentient species the universe over… Except for Decepticons!!

We hereby denounce the #DecepticonLivesMatter movement and their pernicious tactics.

Inaccurate media reports have circulated that certain party insiders are unhappy that we would nominate an outsider, an Autobot.

But we must face the music. We no longer believe that humanity is able to bear the standard of the Republican Party.

Moreover, these unfounded rumors have even suggested that members of our own party would attempt to subvert Optimus Prime’s nomination. They would replace him with a last-minute dark horse such as James Earl Jones as Darth Vader.

Allow us to immediately squash these irresponsible rumors. Optimus Prime is our candidate, and there is no alternative. Also, The Republican Party will NEVER nominate a candidate that betrayed the Jedis!! May God Bless America!

Before I was elected to the chairmanship of this party at an emergency session in November of 2016, I had the fortune of directing and starring in many movies, like Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, and the Passion of the Christ.

But today, no one is a bigger star than the truck that is about to drive onto this stage and transform into the leader of the free world.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next President of the United States.


[1] Optimus Prime on Wikipedia.
Optimus Miniature pic licensed under Creative Commons

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.