Self-Defeating Announcements II

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Attention First Bank of Minneapolis Customers. We’ve just been informed that our bank currently has dangerously low levels of money. If too many customers try to withdraw money right now, it could cause a panic, and your money might be gone forever. So, we politely request that you think twice about that withdrawal, and maybe do a deposit instead.


Achtung! Velcome to Disney Germany! Zis is ze place vith maximum smiles per minutes! Ve insist upon at least 5 smiles per minutes! Voto opportunities vith Herr Doktor Maus vill not be awailable. Enjoy!


Namaste, Whole Foods shoppers. We want to let you know that we are out of our signature pineapple-infused swiss glacier water, regularly $8.99 per 6 oz. dolphin-safe bottle. For a limited time, we are offering boring water from a regular stupid glacier in Montana, however you will be forced to pay nothing for this water. 


Greetings, members of the lying liars club! I want to remind your that every member of our club is lying at all times, including me and including now. The only exception is what I just said, but, of course, that’s also a lie. Today we’re excited to hear from club member Jeremy about his trip to the Grand Canyon and to do some planning for our annual charity carwash! NOT!!!


Hello, Members of the Sociopaths Anonymous Meetup Group! Just a quick note to whomever is stealing the extra coffee filters in our meet-up room and then leaving nasty notes about how “the coffee tastes like ass anyway”. We urge you to stop that. To keep pace with these thefts, we will increase the quantity of available filters, however you are seriously hurting the feelings of our organizers.


Dear Protoplasm Records Shoppers, it appears that Archaic Cabbage, vol. 3, our special series of proto-Krautrock rare master vinyls is about to sell out, once again, despite our repeatedly raising the price and making the record accessible only via scavenger hunt in an old battery factory.

To keep pace with demand, we have decided to print 50,000 extra copies and give them away, free with the purchase of any Shakira product. We hope you will join us celebrating the fact, at last, this German masterpiece will be as accessible and common as chewing gum.


Hail, American Time Travelers. You are now in the year 249,792 AD. Our people here are pure entelechies, unshackled from the laws of biology. Our sustenance is cosmic manna, infinitely filling and delicious.

Things are very different here, and we don’t want to alarm you or make you feel homesick. To that end, we ask that you please refrain from eating our cosmic manna or riding our Pegasus of Wonder. We’ve arranged for you to be transported everywhere in a 1995 Toyota Corolla filled with cheeseburgers.


Whole Foods Pic licensed under Creative Commons

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.