Statement Regarding The 2,237 WalMart Black Friday Customer Deaths

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WalMart Press Conference Regarding Black Friday Customer Deaths

We here at WalMart have unfairly come under fire recently, and we wish to officially respond to the various allegations, protests, and court injunctions.

Let us set the record absolutely straight. We have recently experienced a noticeable uptick in the number of Black Friday and flash sale induced customer tramplings.

It is true that approximately 2,237* men, women, children, and service dogs were killed during our Black Friday 3-hour flash sale. Many of these deaths occurred during an especially vicious stampede at a Des Moines Super WalMart, when wave upon wave of our customer sought to procure deeply-discounted televisions, dog leashes, junior drum sets, and oxygen tanks for seniors.

The phrase the Pearl Harbor of Black Friday sales events has been circulating in the media, although this is not our preferred definite description. Make no mistake: These tramplings were a profound tragedy. But while the preceding is true, it is highly misleading.

Firstly, to focus solely on the loss of life at our WalMarts while ignoring the enormous number of great bargains achieved is positively wrong. 2.3 million $0.99 Slice Baron Blenders alone were purchased on a single Black Friday, and many of these blenders are tolerably safe for up to 8 months of delicious smoothie-making.

Secondly, Pearl Harbor was a lone American naval base attacked by a foreign adversary, whereas WalMart is a friendly American company with over 15,400 retail stores and 887,000 WalVision street corner surveillance units across the globe. Comparing the the former to the latter is a nonstarter that we must officially abhor.

Thirdly, at any given moment, 21.3% of the U.S. population is located inside a WalMart, either as a shopper, an employee, or a detainee in a WalMart Corrections Facility. Statistics indicate that a comparable number of all deaths will occur inside a WalMart. We are a victim of our own success.

To be clear, we view customer tramplings as a necessary misfortune in the service of great bargains. We do concede that broadcasting these gruesome deaths on our WalMart Running of the Bargains Live Stream was upsetting to some viewers who are unfamiliar with our philosophy.

Due to recent events, we proudly announce the release of the WalSMart ShopperProtector Suit. Each unit contains a trample-proof bodysuit, a super thick foam core helmet, and a Max Defender Club.

If a shopper is knocked to her knees during a stampede, she need only press the MaxDefender HELP button. A sonic blast will be emitted, clearing a space around her of 100 cubic inches.

The Defender Club also features a highly-adhesive tip that can be used for extra reach, to grab a deeply-discounted towel set, snake aquarium, or baby accordion, before another WalMart shopper is able to procure it.

ShopperProtector Suits are 100% guaranteed to protect our customers from their fellow enraged shoppers during even the most extreme bargain events.

Note: Guarantee covers rage-induced tramplings only. Stampede deaths caused by envy, fear, ennui, class unrest, or shopper performance anxiety are not covered.

Also Other Note: Extreme event includes any regular flash sale. Our monthly sales apocalypse meltdown is considered an occurrence rather than an event and is not covered.

We are very pleased to announce an immediate nationwide one-hour flash sale of protector suits. For the next ten minutes, suits are $3.99 each—reduced from $799—are available in our Military Goods section in very limited quantities. BUY NOW!!

We are a proudly American company built on great values, hard work, and American Indian Burial grounds lawfully acquired through eminent domain.

Our philosophy here at WalMart is that “great bargains cause happiness.” This is why our corporate logo is a holographic bucket of smiley faces that we project into Earth’s atmosphere for all to see.

What is happiness? The WalMart corporate charter defines “happiness” as “a feeling of distraction that masks a terror of death.”

As always, we challenge those who criticize us to channel their misspent energy into a productive activity, such as applying to be a sales associate or correctional officer at WalMart.

And as always, 0.2% percent of all WalMart profits are donated directly to our charity arm, The Strip Mine Inuit Lands Foundation.

On behalf of all of us here at WalMart, may you bask in our bargains before the reaper’s ten boney fingers pry your wallet from the pants of your soul.

Yours in Endless Bargains,

WalMart Corporation

(*) The exact number is 17,000.


WalMart Black Friday photo licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.