Look at me! Look at me! Ways to Spot a Narcissist

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Narcissists can ruin your entire life if you let them. Here are 4 ways to spot that narcissist.

1. From the observation deck the of the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest Mega Skyscraper. Perched an impossible 1,823 feet in the sky, you can see straight across the Persian Gulf from this breathtaking observation deck. Spotting a narcissist has never been easier. On a clear day, you can see thousands of out-of-control, raging egos, for miles across the desert. Truly amazing.

2. With the Kepler Space observatory.  This 2,300 pound space telescope was manufactured by Ball Aerospace and launched by NASA to discover Earth-sized extrasolar planets. With an ultra-low expansion (ULE) 4.6 foot diameter glass mirror and a 95 megapixel digital sensor array, this telescope is capable of detecting minuscule light fluctuations trillions of miles away. So it’s more than sufficient for capturing the astronomical sense of entitlement of a narcissist. As of 2016, the Kepler has discovered more than 3,000 new narcissists. Wow!

3. Using a Bell 412 Enhanced Performance Search and Rescue Helicopter. Capable of covering hundreds of square miles of desolate, unforgiving mountainous terrain in minutes, this helicopter is an extremely efficient method of finding a narcissist. Keep in mind that when you finally locate that narcissist, they could be dehydrated, hypothermic, and sorely in need of degrading someone else to prop up their shaky self-worth. But don’t just offer them a standard blanket and water bottle. They’ll probably demand a nine course meal and a full international press junket announcing to the entire world how fucking special they are.

4. With a fancy monocle. What better way to spot a narcissist than using the classic, antique style made famous by the likes of poet laureate Sir Alfred Lord Tennyson and the German Military circa 1914-1945? Try an early 20th century styled monocle with gold filling and stylish waxy lace string. Make sure that your monocle isn’t nicer than theirs, lest you challenge their magical sense of self-perfection. That could send them into a narcissistic rage that ruins the entire evening due to their constant need to be the goddamned center of attention every fucking minute.


Narcissist Young Reflection licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.