How to Vote in the American Election: A Beginner’s Guide

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How to Vote in the American Election: A Beginner’s Guide.

Voting, like losing your virginity, is exciting but potentially nerve-racking! Follow this step-by-step guide to casting your vote, and you’ll be an instant pro.

1. Find some things to hate! To participate in the American political process, you must first hate some things. Some good things to hate might include: women, foreigners, men, babies, the military, hippies, police officers, terrorists, guns, people who hate guns, extraterrestrials (from space), sport utility vehicles, overdue library books, undercooked burritos, nuclear power, steam power, big businesses, creepily tiny businesses, pornography, poor people, banks, climate change, brunch, air guitar solos. Just pick a few, and have fun!   

2. Ruminate on the things you hate and how they scare you. For example, if you picked “babies” and “terrorists”, vividly imagine a plethora of terrifying little baby terrorists attacking your beloved city. Imagine how awful that would be. Go deep into the fantasy. Ruminate on these things before bedtime so as to internalize your hatreds during the sleep process.

3. Find a political candidate who hates the same things you hate. The news media is a trustworthy guide here.

4. Post on social media sites about how you and your candidate hate the same things. Your friends and acquaintances want to know what you hate! You don’t need to justify your hatreds. They’re *your* hatreds, after all! Just say, “I hate X, and I support Y, who also hates X”. Or try: “People who don’t hate X SUCK, and people who do are AWESOME like me!

5. Eliminate humility and uncertainty. Sometimes—rarely!—when confronted with a political topic, you may be tempted to say “I don’t know.” This is horrible. For your vote to feel subjectively as pleasurable as possible, you must have strong opinions on all topics. Reasonable doubts about the veracity of your beliefs will only lead to reasonable doubts about the rightness of your candidate. Watch out for weasel phrases like “I haven’t studied that particular issue” or “Labor economics is a complex topic, and I’m not an expert.” Be vigilant.

6. Compare things to Hitler. If you see a political candidate you dislike, say “That candidate resembles Hitler!” If you want a more folksy approach, say “That right there’s a gen-u-wine Hitler!

7. Use an economics textbook. Find a macroeconomics textbook that sheds light on important political topics such as unemployment, trade deficits, or inflation. Do not open the book. Drop kick it into the nearest dumpster.

8. Ignore all previous steps. Just vote for the candidate who most resembles the parent you wished had loved you more as a child.

Congratulations, democracy is safe for another 4 years! Pat yourself on the back and crack open a brewski!


Sneakers pic licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.