You Eat What!? Awesome Fad Diets You Must Try

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Want to take your health and dieting to the next level? You need one of these awesome new fad diets.

Cheat2Eat Diet — The Cheat2Eat diet is endorsed by celebrities and politicians all across the fad diets spectrum. The idea behind this diet is that in order to eat, you must cheat. Eating of course, is allowed, but cheating is not explicitly allowed. Cheating, however, is privately tolerated but not publicly endorsed. This diet is known for its famous slogans If you’re eatin’, you’re cheatin’ and Those who cheat may or must eat.

Salad Dude Diet — This is a diet where you eat only salads, but no dressing. The diet was popularized by the blogger known only as “Salad Dude”. No one knows the true identity of Salad Dude, although there are rumors that his death was a hit ordered by the American Association for Dressings.

Arboreal Man Diet — On this diet, you eat only what Arboreal Man would eat. Did Arboreal man eat twigs, ants, and fungi? Did he eat the birds? Did he eat the sky? We do not know what Arboreal Man ate, and, on this diet, neither will you.

Homegrown Diet — Practitioners of the Homegrown Diet believe that we thrive on meals we grow ourselves. This diet invites you to eat as many carrots, milk shakes, crab legs, DiGiorno pizzas, and loaded baked potatoes as you like, so long as you grow them yourself.

Mathematics Diet — No food is allowed on this diet. Instead, you will be dining on the beautiful ingredients of pure mathematics! You will feast on integers and integrals. Devour parabolas, and pour prime numbers on your bowl of quadratic equations. Have a pi for dessert! Liquids are allowed.

Walk Walk Slurp Diet — Walk Walk Slurp is all about re-discovering the joy of movement while simultaneously eating nutritious soup, ad libitum. Fill your bowl liberally, with as much soup as you like, before taking your full bowl for a bracing walk through the city. Just take two steps for each slurp. Don’t be afraid to slosh!

The Rose-Colored Glasses Diet — As chaos magic states, “The mind is a fractal of the universe. If you change your mind, you change the universe.” Practitioners of this diet believe that if we see our food as healthy, our body won’t know the difference. Some experts on fad diets agree. Prepare your food normally—for example, two hamburgers and a big slice of birthday cake. While eating, look at your food through a special pair of colored glasses, called Grazers. One interesting fact about Grazers is that they must be purchased for several hundred dollars on a website that you can easily find on Google.


Vegetable Girl licensed under public domain.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.