The Lesser Known Bastard Children of the Golden Rule

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The Lesser Known Bastard Children of the Golden Rule.

Silver Rule – Treat others the way a cool Jazz Cat treats a lady. Classy, baby.

Bronze Rule – Treat others to a cold 6 pack, a soft lazy boy, and some peace and fuckin’ quiet.

Palladium Rule – Treat others the way a Flat Earther treats a photographic proof of their ignorance.

Titanium Rule – Treat others the way Megatron, lord of the Decepticons, treats the puny idiots who stand in his way!

Nickel Rule – Treat others with respect yet not mindless deference, high-minded tolerance yet not self-defeating permissiveness, and subtle and strategic circumspection yet not alarming coyness.

Cooper Rule – Treat others with the reckless insouciance of a schoolboy youth who has not yet had his boyish fantasies of adventure crushed by the cruel economic realities of Adam Smith’s invisible hand.

Aluminum Rule – Treat others the way that Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell treated The Parliament of Saints—as a politically expedient step on the path to installing an ultimate military dictatorship.

Lead Rule – Treat others the way rough ’n tumble small town Sheriff—and 3 time Nevada State Arm Wrestling Champion—Donny “Strongarm” McGee treats some hooligans after they’ve had a night of shenanigans and hard drinkin’. You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’, hooligans! The Sheriff is in town!

Zinc Rule – Treat others AMAZING, at first, but then just okay. Then a little better, but still not great. Then a little bit worse. Then a little worse, again. But still stay above super bad, during that whole part. Then, treat them TOTALLY AMAZING. Then go back to the middle-ish. Keep ‘em guessing.

Molybdenum Rule – Treat others with the firmness and respect that four time World’s Strongest Man Champion Magnus ver Magnusson shows the 160 Kilo McGlashen Stone. Never disrespect the stones, ladies and gentlemen! Those are the stones that separate the children from the vikings and the pretenders from the champions!

Rule of the Sorcerer’s Stone (also known as the Rule of the Ignis Fatuus): Treat others with that peculiar reverence with which the fruit fly, Drosophila Melanogaster, treats the succulent orange tree of Poncirus Trifoliata. This reverence has a particular feeling, a je ne sais quoi, that perhaps only mother nature herself can comprehend and that only father time can vindicate. I thought I knew this feeling, one glorious June sunset along The Ivory Coast, towards the conclusion of that infernal and ill-begotten Paterson Expedition! But it was lost to me in a moment, like so many will-o’-the-wisps. Oh, cruel fortune! Forgive me, Clarabelle, that I may one day know the warmth of your smile once more!


Golden Rule Ducat licensed under Public Domain.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.