Conspiracy Hypothesis

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For the past several decades, government-trained psychics have used mind control to influence the outcome of our elections, our sporting events, and even our beloved American Idol. Conspiracy theory? Not so fast! This is a conspiracy hypothesis, not a conspiracy theory.

Confusing a hypothesis with a theory is an all too common symptom of our lamentable scientific illiteracy. That’s what I’m here to clear up. In science, “theory” means something special. To wit: A claim that has been repeatedly tested and well-confirmed by the evidence.

Suppose I tell you that Elvis Presley is still alive. Suppose I further claim that he, along with the Roswell alien, were the real vocalists on Milli Vanilli’s Grammy-winning classic, Girl You Know It’s True.

Is this plausible? Yes. Do I believe this? Absolutely. Is it a theory? Not yet!

Theories have stood the test of time. The Elvis-Roswell-Vanilli hypothesis, utterly tantalizing though it be, has not. That’s why it’s so frustrating to hear it blithely mislabeled as a “conspiracy theory.” Learn some science, please!

Let me be clear: We must investigate my claims above with the full power and resources of the scientific community. Experiments must be devised. Professorships must be established. Graduate student stipends must be dispersed. New frontiers must be forged. To shirk these duties would be utterly irresponsible and unreasonable!

To us, it may seem obvious that the so-called “moon landing” was faked, a cold war era plot to fuel patriotic obedience to the American state. It may seem equally obvious that the actual moon is a large ball of delectable gouda that floats twenty miles above flat Earth, a reserve cheese supply for billionaires.

But remember! What is common sense to the masses is a conspiracy hypothesis ripe for testing to the scientific community. Patience, please! Let the lab coats do their work.

There is much we do not know. Much to be humble about. Were the great pyramids built by the same time-traveling lizard people who assassinated U.S. President John Fitzgerald Kennedy? This much I have boldly conjectured. But this much we have not proven! Not yet, anyway.

We must not give in to temptation and make careless claims of proof. Instead, we must let slip the bloodhounds of science, their insatiable noses sniffing out the truth from the vast multitude of cosmic ratholes!

What will science reveal? What great secrets lie beneath the blanket of the universe? Is Bigfoot actually a human / woolly mammoth hybrid created by the secretive Ancient Order of Amish Drug Dealers, as I strongly suspect? Or is Bigfoot something else altogether?

May the cold light of reason show us the truth!


Pyramid licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.