Vendetta! Vendetta! I Declare a Vendetta!

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This time, you have gone too far! You have crossed me for the last time. I declare a Vendetta! A vendetta against you and everything you stand for!

My previous threats may have been empty. But this time, my words are quite full. Hear them now: Vendetta! Let it ring within your ears and do laps around your skull: VENDETTA.

Lock your doors! Board up your windows! Hide your children and pets! It doesn’t matter one bit. None of those paltry precautions will possibly get in the way of this masterstroke of a Vendetta! Briefly, here are the facts that you need to know about this Vendetta:

1. It has been declared by Me against You.

2. It’s ON, baby.

3. It’s going to be BIG.

4. It will happen no matter what.

5. I’m super pumped about it.

How shall I strike? Where shall I strike? When shall I strike? May these questions haunt you! Not to your grave, of course, for I will have struck long before then! But not too long before. After all, I want you to suffer in anticipation of this awesome Vendetta.

Understand: This is no cheap, common, run of the mill Vendetta.

This is no Vendetta that starts on a lazy Sunday and then fizzles out a couple weeks later after a lame bag of shit appears on a doorstep.

This is no Vendetta that ends with a simple fisticuff, then a handshake, and then a quiet marriage in the countryside.

This is no Vendetta where you receive a cliched ransom note in the mail with magazine cut-out letters, but then the police catch the guy and he lives in his mom’s basement and has a shrine of cat pictures that makes him semi-likeable and we all have a good laugh.

No, no, no, my enemy. This is not any of those weak sauce Vendettas! This is a Vendetta that is large and sinister and deep, like a sea monster. This is a Vendetta that puts the Montagues and Capulets to shame. This is a Vendetta for the history books!

Do you doubt me? Do you doubt the veracity, the power, the overwhelming balls-to-the-wall enormity of this vendetta? You really, really shouldn’t.

Not for nothing did I shout, “I Declare a Vendetta!” while standing atop the Empire State Building!

Not for nothing did I cry, “I Declare a Vendetta!” while blasting off in my moon rocket!

Not for nothing did I roar, “I Declare a Vendetta!” while detonating an atomic bomb on the moon and then circling back to Earth just in time to make brunch!

You’re probably asking yourself: Is there any way to stop this Vendetta? Could we at least put a timeout on the Vendetta? Not a chance! This Vendetta is irrevocable. A Vendetta like this is like mowing a rich guy’s lawn: Once you start the job, there’s no going back.

At this point, even if I wanted to stop this Vendetta, I could not. It has a life of its own now. I will have to nurse this Vendetta, raise it, care for it, feed it, send it to college, watch it grow and mature and, one day, if I am lucky, watch it marry a nice young man or lady Vendetta. Perhaps this Vendetta will do me proud and become a successful doctor, lawyer, or astronaut. Or perhaps this Vendetta will become a loafer and a drug addict, to my shame. Either way, I will love this Vendetta unconditionally.

I am ready. I am prepared. I am overjoyed. It is a wondrous thing: to create something so beautiful and pure, just to make someone else’s life a living hell.


Revenge pic licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.