How to be a Total Badass at a Public Park

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A lot of people wonder “How can I be an utter badass at a public park of my choice?” Follow these steps, and public park badass-ery is yours for the taking. 

1. Do push-ups in the grass, the kind where you push yourself off the ground and clap your hands together. Count them off loudly in a Slavic language.

2. Attempt highly technical rock climbing moves on the trees. When you fall, scream, “almost had it!”

3. Wear a badass black muscle T that says “I escaped Alcatraz,” with a skull under it. Dramatically take off the T to reveal a tattoo that says “I escaped Alcatraz,” with a skull under it, in the same location on your bare torso.

4. Bring a huge dog, like a mastiff or a great Pyrenees, and have it wear a leather saddle with saddlebags and, like, swords sticking out it and shit.

5. Carry two-gallon jugs of drinking water, one in each hand, that you alternately drink from.

6. Stand perfectly still in a crane stance, for 5 minutes. Then break into a Kung Fu routine, aggressively punching and kicking invisible enemies. Return to the crane stance and be perfectly still again for 5 minutes.

7. Bring a cooler filled with ice and whole, raw fish. Gut and debone the fish on a picnic table, then cook them on a public grill.

8. Bust out a sword and just spin that motherfucker in the air real good for like seven minutes.

9. Wear skin tight camo pants. You must purchase them at the most badass of retail stores: Target.

10. Set up a life-size chessboard in the grass and play yourself at speed chess. When you win, shout “Yes!” and do some fist pumps.

11. Have an accomplice bury a treasure chest filled with gold pieces, gems, and a loaded musket, under a tree. Unearth the treasure chest, then loudly proclaim, “I guess Black Beard wasn’t so smart after, all!” Fire the musket.

12. Go up to random strangers and say, “There are snakes in these parts. I’ve killed the ones I’ve seen. Keep your eyes open.” When you say “killed,” pantomime a hand movement to indicate that you killed the snakes by stretching them out with your bare hands.

13. Drive to the park on a motorcycle with a sidecar, and the sidecar has an alligator in it. Take your alligator out of the side car. Walk your alligator around the park on a leash. You and the alligator wear matching sunglasses.

14. Have an accomplice set up a blanket, and some chips and salsa, in the middle of the park. Skydive from 10,000 ft. into the park. Just as you land, jettison your chute and shoulder roll onto your blanket so that you come to rest in a perfectly relaxed position with your hand hovering above the chips. Eat one. Then turn to the nearest onlookers and say “Whaddup.”


Park photo licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.