The Hyoom Liberal Spam Policy Disclaimer

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Please enter your email address and hit “YES, I’M IN!” to sign up for our FREE newsletter. And don’t worry! We have a liberal spam policy.*

*By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you hereby agree to the following. We will sell your email address to third parties. We will sell it to fourth and fifth parties. We will sell it to small businesses, large corporations, and foreign militaries. We will sell your email address to fake Nigerian princes, real Colombian drug cartels, and ex-Yugoslavian pornographers. We will sell it to the Chinese (meaning, everyone who lives in China) and probably the Lithuanians too.

We will sell your email address to businesses and magazines that sell products that are irrelevant to your interests and life circumstances. This includes Cigar Aficionado, Guns & Ammo, Ladies Home Journal, Amish Farmer, and Taxidermy Today. We will sell your email address to baby food companies if you have no babies and are not expecting any. We will sell it to penis pill companies if you have no penis and are not expecting any.

We will give your email address to a plethora of drunk uncles, for free, under the pretense that you are their long-lost relative. These uncles will incessantly email you with rants, raves, “humor,” nutrition tips, and insights into our nation’s race-relation issues. You will not be able to remove yourself from these emails, as drunk uncles do not have an Unsubscribe option.

Remember: You voluntarily gave your email address to us. You did so knowingly, willingly, and even eagerly, we will assume. You typed your personal information into our web page form and sent it to us of all people. You did this of your own “free will.” By hitting “YES, I’M IN!” you concede that no one put a gun to your head and forced you to do anything. Did someone put a gun to your head? If someone put a gun to your head, please type the duress code—“Wilhelm”—into the name field. We will still add you to our email list, however, your duress status will be considered when we market our “Services” to you. If your name is actually “Wilhelm” and you are not currently being coerced, please append the duress nullifier—“$MAKECASH$”—to the name field.

By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you agree that you paid a mentally-competent lawyer at least $1,000 to vet this entire spam policy on your behalf. You agree that this lawyer gave you the “thumbs up” as well as the “A-OK.” You agree that both you and this lawyer have no association with the law firm Porter and DuBose LLP, who are currently filing a frivolous suit against us. By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you agree that sometimes bad things happen to good people. By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you hold us completely blameless for everything.

Statistically speaking, there is a 97.4% chance that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing when it comes to computers. There is, moreover, an 86.3% chance that you have a glut of useless information in your life and that you are constitutionally incapable of separating that which is genuinely helpful from that which is merely distracting and trivial. By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you hereby agree that these statistics are accurate and based on peer-reviewed research and that we did not just invent them whole cloth.

Are you seriously still reading this spam policy? As you have probably noticed, we have intentionally decreased the size of this fine print to asymptotically approach zero as you reach the end. So, the line you’re reading right now is 1.7 point font. You are probably asking yourself why we would do such a thing. By hitting “YES, I’M IN!” you agree that we have our reasons.

Anyway, go ahead. Hit “YES, I’M IN!” Do it. We dare you. By hitting “YES, I’M IN!”, you agree that hell does in fact exist, that it is a real place with a flesh-and-blood devils and monsters, and that you have just opened its gates.


Spam Policy Junk Mail photo courtesy of Mathyas Kurmann via Unsplash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.