Why I am Voting for the Roomba Robotic Vacuum Cleaner for President

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Roomba Robotic Vacuum is highly dependable and not insane.

Roomba has the abilities that the leader of the free world needs most: agitation, extraction, and suction.

Roomba leads by quiet, fearless example.

Dirt doesn’t stand a chance against Roomba! It says so right on the package.

Roomba has no objections to gay marriage.

Roomba is a master negotiator. Roomba negotiates its way around chairs, tables, and other ground-based obstacles with ease.

Roomba is immune to bribes, gaffes, and debris tangles.

Roomba has a 240V motor, bagless container, AeroForce cleaning system with CarpetBoost,  piezoelectric dirt sensor, vSLAM® technology, iAdapt navigation, and a HEPA media filter… unlike those other jackasses!

Roomba is politically nimble. Roomba can turn on a dime.

Roomba is not owned by the military-industrial complex, big agribusiness, or any other sinister special interest.

By engaging the Dual-Mode Virtual Wall barrier around the U.S. Constitution, we can be sure that Roomba will not ride roughshod over the separation of powers.

Roomba is a perfect circle. Perfect circles are very appealing, according to 100% of Americans.

Thanks to the iRobot HOME App for mobile devices, which anyone can download for free, we can be sure that Roomba works directly for the people.

Roomba has a “wall following” mode where it navigates the walls of a room with a side brush, rendering it predictable and relatable to all Americans.

Roomba has a “random bounce” mode where it moves in random directions, rendering it unpredictable to terrorists, North Korean brass, and other enemies of Uncle Sam.

Roomba is neutral on tort reform, a nod to moderation.

Roomba has strong cross-generational appeal, delighting both teens and grandparents.

We can leave Roomba unattended and it won’t do anything bad, like start an unjust and unwinnable land war in the middle east.

Roomba doesn’t discriminate against color, creed, or disability status.

If Roomba is defective, we can immediately trade it in for a better-working alternative, thanks to iRobot’s strong warranty and customer support policies.

Roomba won’t dominate the news cycle with endless posturing, self-aggrandizement, and deceit. Instead, it will clean up our messes, shut the hell up, and hide under a bed.


Roomba Robotic Vacuum Pic licensed under Creative Commons.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.