The Best Ways to be a U.S.A. American Patriot

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Being a U.S.A. American Patriot is hard work. Here are some ways to water the tree of liberty with your eternal vigilance…

As soon as your child is born, pin a flag on it.

Each morning, recite the pledge of allegiance, eat some pancakes, and fire a cannon into a nearby hillside.

Read an oversized copy of the U.S. Constitution in public. Pump your fist wildly and shout “Yes!” at the good parts. When you finish the last line, shed a single tear and nod solemnly.

Donate 5% of your income to Jesus and 5% to the War on Terror.

Work hard. Play hard. Party hard. Acquire credit card debt hard. Watch Die Hard, a wonderful patriotic action movie with Bruce Willis.

Wear special glasses that only let in red, white, and blue light.

Restrict all purchases to corn-based products.

Affirm the sanctity of life. Deny evolution.

Defend the sanctity of marriage. Drone bomb a wedding.

Upgrade your television. Upgrade your car. Upgrade your spouse.

Support the troupes. Send them cookies and pies. Send them to war. 

Tame the wilderness. Wrestle a Grizzly Bear. Feed and clothe the poor. Stand atop the grand canyon and be bowled over by its majesty, like Teddy R.

Complain that the news media is biased, yet watch the mainstream news for 3 hours per day so that you’re always aware of terrible things over which you have little control.

Import the best foods, the best culture, the best scientists. Become fabulously rich. Deport some immigrants.

Recruit your friends to help you reenact America’s lesser-known wars, such as The First Barbary War, The Winnebago War, and The Crazy Snake Rebellion of 1909.

Become a champion apple pie eater. Eat pies until your heart stops. Go to the hospital. Be revived by a brilliant American doctor. Learn that the doctor is an immigrant. Deport her.

Purchase an Oscar Myer Weiner hot dog car and give disadvantaged kids free rides, so that they can have a taste of the American dream.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Pull your friend Steve up by his bootstraps. Pull a stray dog up by its bootstraps. Pull a pair of boots up by its bootstraps. Pull up on some bootstraps every day.

Start a bank. Get big. Grow, grow, grow. Create investments that people don’t understand. Cook the books. Get filthy stinking rich. Go bankrupt. Get a bailout. Dive out of your private jet. Open your golden parachute. Laugh like a hyena as the world burns. 

Train an army of battle leopards. Start an American Patriot organization that opposes leopard control. Make media appearances where you decry the “leopard grabbers” and state that Thomas Jefferson is rolling over in his grave right now.

Tell people that “America is the greatest country in the world.” Mean it.

Collect some American soil in a jar, and bring it with you whenever you travel to another country. Spread a little bit of American soil under your bed before you go to sleep so that you’re always sleeping on American soil.

Work for the man. Grow to despise the man. Rise up against the man. Defeat the man. Forge your own path. Become successful. Hire people. Become the man. Stand on the top of the Empire State Building, musing that you have become what you despise. Reinvent yourself in that moment. Whistle for your giant Bald Eagle. Jump on its back and ride it into the sunset, like Gandalf.

Play baseball.


American Patriot pic from Unsplash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.