Facts About The Average American, From the North Korean Almanac

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Facts About The Average American, According to the North Korean Almanac.

Average American is 6’5” clumsy oaf with weak bones.

Average American drink cheesy whiz drink from helmet all day.

Average American is very fat slob. Weigh 387 pounds.

Average American is lazy millionaire. Inherited all money from rich papa man who own railroad empire built on bloody bones of Chinese people.

Average American hobby is riding prize race horse through fat filthy shopping mall in suburb.

Average American ride on spaceship shuttle once per month.

Average American household has 4.6 acre junkyard filled with television, cheesy whiz drink can, and carcass of seven past prize racehorse.

In average American house, woman is feminist businesswoman capitalist astronaut and rules subjugated man, make him cook, clean, and wash dress.

Average American always crying for president to invade everything: Iran, North Korea, the Moon, etc.

Average American wear thick sock made of baby horse tail.

Average American go to school 16.3 years. Most popular school major is “pig lawyer,” “horse factory boss,” and “capitalist bank whore.”

Average American pastime is “football game” where capitalist horse men throw severed human foot at blind orphan.

Average American not read much books.

Average American stressed out from commute.

Average American have $15,675 credit card debt. Not know how to limit spending and live within means.

Average American laugh at meditation and call it “weird” even though science prove it increase focus and wellbeing.

Average American over 50 have 19.2 prescription medicine, not understand that sick care system perpetuate problem and not address root cause of whole person.

Average American have 338 “Facebook Friend” but not much emotional intimate real friend.

Average American use dumb slogan “follow your passion” 17.4 times per month but spend night watching Internet Flix rather than improving self and hatching plan to escape feces job.

Average American always compare self to fake people on whore websites so feel bad for no reason.

Average American guard money and property like scared rat but fritter time away like dumb child.

Average American not sleep enough.

Average American is belligerent drunk at football game, yell until pass out when capitalist horse man finally hits blind orphan.

Average American done some drug but still say “lock up poor people who done some drug.”

Average American loose all life purpose at age 27, four years into horse factory boss job.

Average American live like death not real.


Facts About the Average American Pyongyang pic appended to Flag pic, licensed under CC 2.0 and CC 0, respectively.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.