I Am a Sadistic Nature Documentary Narrator

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Welcome back to another edition of Animal Survival, the ultimate nature documentary on the BBC. I’m your faithful nature documentary narrator, Pritchard Attenborough.

We begin our journey today with a visit to the American Bald Eagle, soaring magnificently above his native Washington State home. This bald Eagle, once threatened by the specter of extinction, has thrived and procreated in recent years. Some might even say there are now far too many of them. That’s an opinion.

The Eagle can see for miles. Yes, his precious Eagle eyes have served him well. But sometimes even those with the best of eyes are blind.

It looks like our Eagle has spotted a tasty fish that he wishes to capture in his talons! …He makes the dive! What’s this!? It appears that instead of capturing a fishy treat, our eagle friend has captured a giant manacle with a lead weight around his foot. This manacle will drag him inexorably to terra firma, where his death is imminent. It’s inevitable. Mmmmm, yes. What a spectacle. I wonder who put that manacle there?


Kenya. The Savannah!

A herd of truly massive elephants expresses their wild freedom, in a great mid-day land dash. As the single largest land animal in existence, no other animal can possibly compete with the elephants now. Some say that this position of supremacy within the savannah’s rigid hierarchy has made the elephants into supremely arrogant creatures. Of course, we know what they say: pride cometh before the fall.

Now, what’s that!? It appears to be a giant fiery jaws of death machine, sitting right out there on the Savannah! If the Elephants were just a bit smarter they would know to avoid the fiery jaws of death. But, sadly, natural selection has not prepared them for this unexpected man-made intervention.

Mmmmmm. Yes, it is inevitable, the jaws of death will send the elephants to a fiery funeral. Who put those jaws of death there?  That’s something that you don’t have any good evidence about, one way or the other. I would advise you not to look into the matter.


We turn to the arctic north!

The male Polar Bear’s ice world has vanished beneath him. He has left his loving wife in hope of ambushing a tasty seal. He’s a surprisingly adept swimmer, don’t you think?

But the arctic icebergs are disappearing from the northern land. He can only swim for about 10 minutes, and now he has nowhere to rest. He will swim as long as he can, until the ice waters drag him to a cold, arctic coffin.

Let’s just watch him for a few more seconds, and ponder that… Mmmmm. Very nice, Very nice. I wonder what caused that climate to change and destroy the icebergs?


Coming up next week on Animal Survival…

Adorable turtle used as hockey puck.

Manatee death by chocolate.

And, coyote sent back in time… to kill his own mother.


Nature documentary narrator eagle pic courtesy of Unsplash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.