Your Grab And Go Bag for the Coming Apocalypse

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The apocalypse is coming. Are you prepared? Make a special Grab And Go Bag that you can take with you at a moment’s notice. Of course, it’s hard to make the perfect bag, as there are always more useful items that you could add. But start with these essentials.

A Big Ole Stick — Nothing compares to the utility and versatility of a big ole stick.

A Tiny Ass Stick — For concealing.

1 Small, Folding Truck — If you need to get somewhere fast and haul something.

10 Empty Gallon Water Jugs — Handy for storing any random, valuable liquids you come across. Be sure that the jugs are empty.

6-8 inches of Rope — Don’t bring too much.

Harmonica — For scaring away looters with your bad songs.

A Notecard that Says How Many Teeth You Have — Just the number.

Deadly Knives in a Flimsy Box — Assorted deadly knives, scattered carelessly in a flimsy waterlogged, cardboard box.

Encyclopedia Britannica — 32 Hardbound Volumes, to preserve all human knowledge.

Cash — At least 1 Johnny Cash album on vinyl, cassette, and compact disc.

Universal Remote Control — If you need to turn on a TV anywhere, you’re set.

1 Copy of Each of the Following Documents: Social Security Card, Denny’s 24 Hour Laminated Menu, VISA Cardmember Agreement, U.S. Constitution.

Multi-Tool – This invaluable stainless steel tool can do more than one thing.

Uni-Tool – This somewhat less valuable tool can do just one thing, but it’s still pretty good.

Construction Hard Hat — You may find a construction site that you need to hide inside. This is the best way to blend in, so that no one suspects anything.

Guns and Ammo — If you get into a bad situation, you may want to read a copy of Guns And Ammo magazine to pass the time.

Almond Butter — Calorie-dense, tastes awful.

Chop Sticks — More space-efficient than forks.

“I Am Injured” / “I Am Dead” Human Body Sign — If you become injured and unable to communicate, put it on side 1.

1 Box of Mosquitos — 1 small box, capable of holding up to 3,000 mosquitos.

Mosquito Repellant — In case the box of mosquitos breaks.

2 Garbage Bags — Make sure they’re full of garbage.

Bear trap — Trap some bears!

15 lbs. of Incense — In a variety of pleasant scents.

1 Large Inflated King Sized Air Mattress — Finding extra, high-quality air could be a problem, so keep this inflated at all times.

Medical Textbooks — In case you need to learn about performing surgery.

4 Oz. Primordial Ooze — Useful for restarting life from scratch.

Sense of humor — Optional!


Grab And Go Bag pic courtesy of Unspash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.