My Morning Ritual

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Your morning ritual is not something to take lightly. It sets the tone for your whole day. If you don’t have a morning ritual, you’re just asking to be an unproductive failure.

Here is my morning ritual. Feel free to use my ritual to inspire your ritual. If you wish to copy my ritual exactly, you need to pay me $50 in cash.

1. Upon waking, I check my own pulse to make sure that I am medically alive. If I were to wake up as a dead person or a zombie, I would want to know immediately. So I check this first.

2. I drink a glass of WARM lemon water.

3. Sync all clocks to the tides.

4. I drink a glass of COLD lime water

5. Check luggage. Check to ensure that all luggage is still safely stored in my various closets.

6. I drink a glass of HOT apple water.

7. Pamper, Pamper, Pamper! I surround myself with candles and feathers and pet a cat for 10 minutes.

8. I drink two liters of BONE-CHILLINGLY ICY Gatorade.

9. Breakfast! The most important meal of the day, besides lunch!

10. I dry brush my entire body with a large horse brush. This leaves me feeling much cleaner than a shower.

11. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe! I breathe for 10 full minutes. Breathing is an amazing thing to do in your morning. It can supply your cells and organs with vital oxygen.

12. I drink one espresso-sized shot of TOASTY HOT liquid white chocolate.

13. Simplify, Simplify, Simplify! The main things adding stress to my life right now are all my pets—I have over 80 of them, last time I counted. So, every morning, I pick one of my goats or salamanders or cats at random at turn it loose into the wilderness behind my mansion.

14. Social media blood feud! I fire up my Twitter account and start arguing with some idiots, comparing various public figures that I hate to Hitler, etc. This gets the blood pumping. I only spend 75 minutes on this, as anything more than that would be a waste of time.

15. I drink a thimble full of FROSTY liquid nitrogen.

16. Journal, Journal, Journal! I journal for 145 minutes. Usually, I journal about different inventions of mine, such as the unbreakable balloon, the uncrushable cookie, and the uncrashable airplane. My inventions are better versions of current things.

17. I draft my morning list, “A list of Kevin’s failures.” This list is exactly what it sounds like: A list of areas where my friend Kevin has completely failed in life. By writing this list, it reminds me that I’m doing great compared to Kevin. Items on this list include, “Kevin’s wife Laura left him,” and “Kevin is pre-diabetic because he eats too many cookies.”

18. Morning affirmations! These pay off big time if you say them with conviction. I say each one 50 times:

    • “I am above negative thinking and bad habits.”
    • “A raging river of compassion washes my rage away and replaces it with warm fuzzies.”
    • “I am sitting atop a flaming skeleton horse as the world burns.”

19. I plan a stratagem. I go into my “war room” that contains a table with a giant map of my city and miniature figurines of everyone I know. I manipulate the people in intricate patterns to determine what they will do next and how I will react. By staying one step ahead of everyone, I make sure to avoid paranoia.

20. I drink a NEITHER WARM NOR COLD glass of human souls.

By the time I’m done with my morning ritual, it’s usually about 3:45pm, and I’m ready for anything that the day throws my way!


Morning ritual pic courtesy of Unsplash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.