How To Make The Best Online Dating Profile Of All Time

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1. Optimize Your Online Dating Profile Pictures For 3,700% More Dates

Hobbit Pictures. The number one mistake in your online dating profile is not having enough pictures where you are dressed as a hobbit. You need at least seven.

One Shirt, Many Angles.  Post ten to fifteen pictures of yourself wearing the same shirt, with slightly different poses. Let your future date see all your angles without the distraction of different shirts.

Use Quality Pictures. Many people make the error of using poor quality photos. This is a mistake you cannot afford. Be sure to get photos that are printed on the highest quality royal parchment. Demand photo parchment that is “fit for a duke!”

Please, No Skyscrapers! For your primary profile picture, do not use just a picture of a car, a skyscraper, or a big cactus, without explanation.

2. Write The Online Dating Profile That Dreams Are Made Of

Make your lies believable. Lying is a bad idea. But many people, including you, will lie no matter what. If you lie on your online dating profile, make sure the lie is at least believable. For example, if you’re a best-selling author, you might simply say, “I’m unemployed.” That’s a very believable lie.

Get your clichés out of the way. Most users, even those who are highly unoriginal people themselves, frown upon clichés. A good practice is to “get all your cliches out” in one quick go, e.g.

“I hate writing these things, and I’m bad at describing myself, but my friends say that I’m an easy-going, funny ENFP who love to travel, lives for the moment, and works for a business but is thinking about going back to school to get a masters. Are you my next partner in crime?”

Put this at the bottom of your profile, in a small font, if possible.

List Disqualifiers. Don’t just focus on what you do want; be sure to tell would be suitors your turn-offs. Here are some examples:

Only message me if you know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’!

Only message me if you know which three grammatical markers can be replaced by the em dash!

Only message me if you know which paramilitary sub-organization within the North Atlantic Treaty Organization sets broadly strategic goals!

Why does this work? Well, many studies have shown that negativity and pedantry are among the most highly sought after traits in a human being, let alone an online dating profile.

Reveal strategically. Strategically revealing one weakness can actually help you, as those reading your profile will value your honesty. e.g.

I am a little bit sexist, but only toward ugly people.

The biggest crime that I have ever been convicted for is racketeering.

I am terrified of spiders, poor people, and being alone with my own thoughts.

If you don’t have any weaknesses (very common!), make one up. Just make sure it’s a good one.

Use one big word from a medical dictionary. Spice things up and show your “brainy” side by using one really big word from the medical profession, e.g.

Fun fact about me: I have never had Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinaemia.

Embarrassment is Adorable. Be sure to mention that you’re “willing to lie about how we met.” Explicitly referencing your antiquated embarrassment about online dating is a sure-fire way to be more successful at it.

Use slang, pt. 1. Use the latest slang to demonstrate that you’re hip and with it. For those older than 24, this adds a youthful and not at all try-hard demeanor. For example, in the “Message me if…” section, you might write: “If U know any good memes, LOL. OMG. WFT! BBQ? CNN! NASA!!”

Use slang, pt. 2. Remember, everything that’s old becomes new again. Therefore, if you want to be truly cutting-edge, pick some slang that’s just about to make a comeback. In your profile, try writing…

SEEKING: A lovely lass. A comely jammiest of jam with big cats-heads and a dainty bone box! Must love smothering the parrot right before doing the bear! No haggish church bells, please!

ABOUT ME: A bang up to the elephant admiral of the red, full of dash-fire and monkey hair. Always wearing a big gigglemug, right up until it’s time to shake a flannin! I have strong legs!

A profile like that is sure to impress the hipsters and the culture vultures out there.

Quiz Your Rejectors. Highly successful online daters know that the key to success is a commitment to improvement. Send each person who rejects you a link to an online survey called “Why Do You Hate Me?” Use the data to inspire improvements in your character or circumstances, or as opportunities for new things to lie about.

Enlist A Friend. Have a friend write your profile. Preferably, a friend who is a strong writer. If you don’t have any friends, I will be your friend and write your online dating profile, for a small fee. Get in touch.

3. Online Dating Behavior That Gets You Laid or Married, Whichever You Prefer

Practice safety. Before agreeing to go out, ask your date, “On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to kidnap me and bring me to a murder shack in the woods?” Only agree to go out if your date offers a number of 5 or less.

Mind Your Manners. Should you find yourself on a date with someone who sucks, good manners dictate that you must stay for at least 45 minutes. However, feel free to use this time efficiently by browsing Tinder or OkCupid.

Warning, Flakes Ahead! In this age of distraction, social anxiety, and status mongering, it is very common for online dates to exhibit flakey behavior. Address this by preemptively flaking on your date at least three times in a row. Try these excuses:

Sorry, gotta cancel! Need to meet with some investors who want to buy my corporation. :-O

Damn, my racehorse, Ferdinand Van Dusen, caught a cold. Need to take care of this. Rain check?  ):—{)

Whoops! Looked at your pictures again. I’m a cancel. 😉

Is this manipulative? Good question.

Three Dates Max. Remember that in online dating, you are not allowed to go on more than three dates with any one person. Them’s the rules!


Coffee date pic courtesy of Unsplash.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.