You’ll Never Guess What’s In This Smoothie

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Oh, hello there. Welcome to Juicology, the cool new smoothie place in town. First time here? I’ll be happy to explain how it works. We have just two rules:

(The First Rule) All Juicology recipes are secret. We don’t even list our ingredients on the menus!

(The Second Rule) If you guess what’s in your smoothie, your drink is on the house!

Here, try this one. It’s good, isn’t it? Well, let me tell you something right now. You may *never* guess what’s in this smoothie. Our smoothies are that awesome. Oh, you wish to try? Be my guest! Step right up! Take your best shot! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ah, you think the deep and alluring shade of frothy indigo suggests, perhaps, blackberries or blueberries? Nice try, but I’ll be the first to tell you that there are none of those here at Juicology. You think the flecks of green hint at kale or swiss chard? Well, sorry, but no leafy greens were harmed in the making of this smoothie.

Avocado? I’ve got some bad news.

Cucumber? I hate to break this to you.

Banana? Puh-lease! What do you take us for, some cheap peddler of smoothie clichés?

No, no, keep going. If you insist.

Ginger? No.

Peaches? Nope.

Cranberries? Nay.

Goji berries? Nein.

Orange peel? Negatory.

Lime? Absolutely not.

Beets? Emphatically, no.

Watercress? Never.

Kelp? Not on your life.

Cinnamon? Not on your death.

Cashew butter? Heavens, no.

Sea buckthorn? God forbid.

Lemongrass? Lucifer, please.

Yerba maté? No way, Jose.

Raw cacao? Not a chance, Mr. France.

Pumpkin seeds? Don’t be absurd.

Hemp protein? Don’t be daft.

Kombucha? Don’t be an ass.

Horchata? Don’t be a clown.

Okay, okay, timeout. Mercy. Just stop. Be kind to yourself. This is getting embarrassing!

Look, this here is Joe. Joe works here at Juicology. Joe makes smoothies all day in his white smoothie robe! And I supervise him, in my white supervision robe!

When Joe isn’t making smoothies here, well, let’s just say he’s not doing much else. I’ll tell you what. If you can guess which year Joe was born, he’ll make you a free smoothie!

1981? No, but not too far off.

1982? Warmer.

1983? Warmer.

1984? Much warmer.

1985? That’s your best guess yet!

1986? Colder!

Oh, you give up? Well, you know what? There’s more than one way to win a free smoothie here!

If you can guess how many dollar bills are in this tip jar, free smoothie!

If you can guess how big of a bribe we paid the city commissioner to expedite our permits, free smoothie!

If you can guess which german philosopher our corporate charter is based on, free smoothie!

What? Where are you going! No, you can’t leave now! I mean, literally, you can’t leave! The doors are locked to you, my friend. Did I forget to mention the third rule?

(The Third Rule) You cannot leave until you guess what’s in your smoothie.

Ashwagandha? Echinacea? Probiotics? And-a-one and-a-two and-a-three and-a-NO!

Acaí? Maca? Oil of Chewbacca? No, no, and no!

Grasshoppers? Ostrich eggs? An Alaskan Glacier? Not on our watch! Not in this house! Not in this smoothie-industrial complex!

An Aardvark? No.

An Aardwolf? Okay, now you’re just going through the dictionary line by line. And let me tell you what. Your dictionary is no match for this smoothie! This smoothie eats dictionaries for breakfast!

Animals? Vegetables? Minerals? Don’t be ridiculous. This smoothie is made of sterner stuff than that!

A human soul? Even if we could, I doubt that we would!

You’re giving up, aren’t you! Well good, because this is a battle you just can’t win!

Even if you guessed for a million years, never would you guess the contents of this smoothie!

Even if you had a black belt in guessing and a PhD in smoothies!

Even if you had a special letter of guesses from a dying wizard!

Halt your attempts! Save your breath! Hide your children! Your guesses aren’t any good around here. It’s just not going to happen, buster.

Ah, our smoothies. Our delicious, wonderful smoothies.

But don’t despair. Chin up. Grab a robe. Get to work, cause we’re officially hiring.

Unless… Do you want a hint?

Oh Yes, There's More...

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.