At Arby’s, We Have The Meats. Also, We Do Not Live In A Simulation.

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Every day at ARBY’S®, we serve eight delicious meats. We’re damn proud of all of them. Just pull yourself right on up to our meat counter where executive chef Neville Craw will slice you up some fresh pastrami or some angus steak. We bet you’ve never tasted meatcraft like this! Also, reality is not a computer simulation!

Here at ARBY’S®, if we’re all a bunch of pixels in some alien computer game, what’s the point of enjoying Mr. Craw’s signature whole-breast meat turkey sandwich? You wouldn’t even really have a stomach! But that’s one delicious breast! We marinate and roast that son-of-a-gun until it’s juicy and tender, then we slice it up right here in the restaurant. We want to make sure you can buy as many sandwiches as you want, without worrying about whether you live in some little green dude’s personal version of the matrix. We want you to have the breast and only the breast!

Here’s the beef! Either the fraction of post-human civilizations that can do realistic simulations is really low, or post-humans don’t want to run simulations, or we’re probably all in one big simulation. We definitely think it’s option one or two. Not option three, though. That’s dumb!

Think about it. Our pepper bacon is cut thick and smoky, just the way you like it. Try it on a market fresh sandwich today! That bite? Those are Muntok white peppercorns—the best. Could post-humans really simulate Muntok white peppercorns? Could they really simulate the bold Jamocha in our Jamocha Shake? Also, could they simulate an entire universe full of conscious beavers and deer and people? What if the people in the simulation start running a simulation? Seems about as dangerous to make assumptions as it is to pass up our New York-style Reuben. That corned beef is brined, tender, and fork ready!

Is there any ARBY’S® in simulation? Maybe, maybe not. But why risk it! What if the aliens running things upstairs were so caught up in simulating rainstorms and tree rings and birdies that they forgot to build in any packets of our signature horsey sauce? Do you wanna live in a world that’s that much less zesty!? So maybe we don’t know about the ETs building these sims. But what we do know is that we roast our famous beef low and slow. We’ve done it the same way for 40 years, because it works.

We can’t say it enough: No one simulates The Meats! Computers are good, but they’re not that good. We dare you: Take one bite of our Classic Roast Beef—the sandwich that put roast beef on the map—with classic ARBY’S® sauce. Then take one sip of that sweet Jamocha Shake. Then look us in the eye and tell us that Mr. Spock’s server farm can simulate an ARBY’S®! No way, Jose!

13 Hours. That’s how long our signature brisket hangs out in our hickory smoker. 10 to the 89 power. That’s how many photons there are in the known universe. Some of them are even showing you how much you want to bite into our King’s Hawaiian® Fish Deluxe. You really gonna simulate all that, boss? Be our guest. But with meatcraft this good, why bother?

Arby’s and Reality simulation pics licensed under Creative Commons 2.0.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.