All The Habits of Highly Successful People

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Successful people are made by their habits. They wake up at six am sharp. They meditate. They journal their thoughts. They eat a little bit of granola. They take immense pleasure in life’s small miracles: sunrises, sunsets, and whatever the moon does. They practice gratitude, hot yoga, and parkour. They tried the Alexander Technique but they didn’t like it. They thought it was weird the way you have to whisper, “ahhhhh.” 

The successful aren’t afraid of anything: not of failure, flying, drowning, public speaking, or ISIS. They’re definitely not afraid of hard work—not even a little!—but that doesn’t mean they’re automatically in favor of cruel forced labor camps. They oppose ethnic cleansing.

Successful people are fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers—not uncles though, which is strange. Interesting fact: Ninety-four percent of successful people are named “Amber” or “Doug.” Four percent are named “Teodor Muzaka.” Successful people always name their dozens of children after themselves, so this naming distribution perpetuates forever.

“Language Matters!” is a slogan that you will often find successful people tattooing on one another’s shoulder blades. The successful are deliberate with their words, spare even. They speak four sentences per day max. Fortunately, they are superb at email and have a knack for saying much in few words. Sometimes they write blank emails that speak volumes.

Another language that successful people speak fluently is kindness. The successful are big-hearted people and generous lovers. They always leave little gifts after lovemaking sessions: soaps, vanilla Glade PlugIns, Arby’s gift cards, etc. They are quick to show compassion and slow to commit arson.

Successful people love to learn. They know all the state capitals, all the presidents, and the names of most of their children. They know the meaning of “elbow grease” but not the meaning of “marriage counseling.” They own a dictionary, but they never use it. They don’t care for definitions. What do they care for? Hiking, power naps, side salads, horses. Stuff like that.

Do successful people have impeccable hygiene? Of course. They brush their teeth constantly. It is difficult for them to speak, because they always have a toothbrush in their foamy, toothpaste-filled mouths. They spend at least $15,000 per year on oral hygiene products, but—caveat emptor!—this is an effect of their success, not the cause of it.

Successful people are fiercely independent. They don’t depend on others for approval, or emotional validation, or medical advice. They don’t argue, and they don’t need to be right. If someone says, “you’re an absent father” or, “the results are in: you have diabetes,” they shrug it off.

Above all, successful people move through life with a sense of calm purpose and reassuring moral clarity. They don’t let gloomy people kill their bliss, and they’re always up for something spontaneous, like stealing a small plane and flying it to Guatemala to dodge alimony payments and live in an eco-village with a bunch of money-laundering Swedish expats.

Successful people truly love life. They love escaping to Guatemala. If you want to find them, look deep in the jungle. Try shouting, “Amber!” or “Doug!”, as loud as you can. When you see them, don’t make any sudden moves. It might spook them.

See? There they are! Look at all those successful people: beautiful, serene, childlike, divorced, happily doing parkour off a tree while dodging a snake, toothbrushes sticking out of their mouths, spitting flecks of toothpaste as they confidently succeed again and again. Go ahead, ask them a question. Preferably one that can be answered in under four sentences. Then learn from them. Learn their incredible habits, before they recede into the mists. Then get on your knees and pray that one day you might join their ranks.

And that is what I would recommend for those wanting to become highly successful.

Photo by Razvan Chisu on Unsplash

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Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.