My God, I Did It. How I Got 303 Medium Followers in Just 4 Years.

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What I am about to tell you will both blow your mind and make you extremely envious: I have reached 303 Medium followers in just 4 years of writing.

Behold me! I am a Thought Leader now.

This article is not just my inspirational and epic tale of becoming the world’s best writer, it is also an infallible and humble guide to how you can become an online Thought Leader yourself. Will you acquire 303 Medium followers of your own? Dream big! Now join me… if you dare!

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The Medium Writing Moral Order

First, you must understand the moral hierarchy of Thought Leadership:

1. Jesus Christ

2. Medium Thought Leader <—— This is me!!

3. Above average doctor who saves 100+ normal people lives

4. TEDx speaker, in a midwestern state

5. Ordinary writer <—— This is you, sucka!!

6. People who don’t write because they are basically happy, and they have no sadomasochist tendencies or desire to impress anyone, aka “The Monsters of Whom We Shall Not Speak.”

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How Big is 303?

Most people cannot even count to 303, let alone fathom how many Medium followers that is.

So let us use the power of imagination…

303 readers is more people than work for the biggest grocery store in most parts of Wyoming.

If you stood-up 303 readers end-to-end, they would almost reach the top of the Empire State Building. That’s 0.00014% of the way to the moon!

If you physically stretched 303 readers with a “stretching machine” they could reach space. Note: that would lead to their deaths and be immoral, so please do not.

303 is bigger than 290 by 13!!!

303 is a number truly only understood by mathematicians and those weird idiot savant kids you see on primetime news specials, muttering things like, “Mama, why does purple taste like angels?”

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Writing Rules for Thought Leaders. How to Get 303 Medium Followers!

Here’s how to write your way to 303 Medium followers…

1. Write every quarter! If you want 303 followers, you must post on Medium at least once in the January to March quarter, and once every quarter thereafter.

2. Choose a topic with traction! Only the following topics are acceptable:

  • Self-help
  • How to write about self-help
  • How to make money by writing about self-help
  • How to become a Thought Leader
  • Bitcoin

Don’t like these topics? Tough!! If you want to play in the Super Bowl of writing, your cute little blog posts about cupcakes and cat memes won’t cut it anymore.

3. Give hyper-confident advice on everything from romantic relationships to writing a novel to running a multi-million dollar company. Experience: optional!

4. Engage with your followers (aka. peons)! You will not have time to craft actual personalized responses, so try using these stock replies in all of your comment threads:

  • “Thank you, Ted!”
  • “Good point, Ted!”,
  • “That is irrelevant, Ted!”,
  • “You clearly need help, Ted! Here is the number of a divorce attorney!”

5. Form a real-life hype squad. This will continually reinforce your greatness. My hype squad consists of a hobo named “Charlie the Chuckler” who I met at an abandoned train yard, plus a feral wolf-child that Charlie and I found in the nearby forest. We call the little fella “Growl” because that’s what he does.

Those are my rules of thought leadership. Are my rules flexible? Absolutely not. Think of them more like commandments from the angry god of writing. Learn my rules! Live them! Thrive!!

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I am Medium Famous Now. And It Feels Great.

Now that I am a Thought Leader and a super-star, people ask me questions all the time, questions like, “Who are you, and why are you yelling writing tips at me in this Walgreens?” In response, I just give them a knowing nod, a wink, then I run like hell before security can catch me.

If I leave you with one idea, let it be this: Being a Thought Leader may not be easy, but it is morally perfect.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.