What Your Favorite Heavy Metal Genre Says About You

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Classic Heavy Metal: Your first child is named “umlaut.”

Power Metal: “Not loving dragons enough,” is your biggest dating dealbreaker.

Post-Metal: Your favorite incense holder is a cow’s skull.

Blackgaze: You enjoy being romantically growled at by dreamy, longhaired French men.

Folk Metal: You have dueled a beekeeper to earn a woman’s love.

Doom Metal: You have described both World Wars as “too mainstream.”

Grindcore: You have electrocuted yourself on a cattle fence while committing eco-terrorism.

Prog Metal: You once described the features of a Toyota Celica for ninety minutes straight.

Viking Metal: You have severely injured yourself by attacking a tornado with a sword.

Mathcore: You once “solved” the Fermi paradox on the back of a donut shop napkin.

Drone Metal: You enjoy watching slow-motion YouTube videos of volcano eruptions.

Nu Metal: You have stored a hot pocket inside a Vans sneaker.

Stoner Metal: You have crashed a Chrysler LeBaron into a lagoon.

Deathcore: You have punched more than twenty trees.

Djent: You have spent a full day in your bedroom constructing a Mandelbrot fractal out of Cheetos.

Goregrind: You have been expelled from autopsy school for getting frisky with the corpses.

Symphonic Metal: Every morning you drink chocolate milk from a bejeweled goblet.

Florida Death Metal: You were fired from a children’s puppet show for using excess stage blood.

Black Metal: Global warming makes you sad because it will destroy glaciers and happy because it will kill people with glaciers.

New Wave of British Heavy Metal: You learned the word “polymath” by reading Bruce Dickinson’s wikipedia page.

New Wave of Swedish Death Metal: You have stood on the roof of a mountain cabin and growled at some birds.

Pirate Metal: You invented your own type of Jello shot using DayQuil.

Mesopotamian Metal: You have an impressive knowledge of sphinxes.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.