Mocktails

  • Increase / decrease font
  • A +
  • A -

Sparkling Summer Sangria, Whoa Bro Nice Kia

2 oz. white grape juice

2 oz. cranberry juice

Sparkling lime seltzer water

Mix in fresh apple, lemon, orange, and strawberry

Your Kia Forte with flame decals is soooooo “cool”

Ha ha ha

***

Mango Mule, Stop Quoting Nietzsche You Tool

2 tbsp. mango puree

Splash of ginger beer

Add to shaker with club soda, shake vigorously

Serve in a copper mug, with a pretentious quotation

Because everyone’s hella impressed, Wayne

That you know who Nietzsche is

Try someone more obscure next time

Like Kierkegaard

Poser

***

Virgin Pomegranate Zesty Bellini, Who Are You, Benito Mussolini?

1 tsp. cups simple syrup

8 oz. pomegranate juice, chilled

3 tsp. cheating on me with that Rebecca girl

The redhead who assistant-manages the GameStop

Add a sprig of “stop telling people in your life

(especially me, your ex-girlfriend)

What they should and shouldn’t feel, WAYNE

You two-timing troll

***

Kickin’ Raspberry Lavender Lemonade, You Jerked Off To A Movie Mermaid

1 cup filtered water

2 tsp. raspberry syrup

1 tsp. dried, crushed lavender

2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice, strained

Boil honey and water

Mix it all together, refrigerate

Then top with a dash of never going out in public again, Wayne

Because I know for a fact that, when we were dating

You pleasured yourself to the 1984 fantasy-romance hit, Splash

by Ron Howard

Ya Weirdo

***

Zippy Grapefruit Agave Paloma, The University of Phoenix Has Rescinded Your Diploma

1 oz. agave nectar

8 oz. grapefruit juice

Generous pinch of sea salt

Pour all over your diploma

The dean heard about your “awesome” mocktails bar

And said it was by far

The dumbest business idea he’s heard

To open a mocktails bar with fake drinks

And now he hates you

So, no more bachelors in business communications

For you

Numb-nuts

***

Hot Buttered Spiced Apple Cider, For The Love of God, Stop Binging On Reruns of Knight Rider

1 cup apple cider

2 tbsp. fresh orange juice, plus 1 strip of zest

1/2 tsp. unsalted butter, melted

Mix, heat, and add cinnamon sticks for garnish

Then riddle me this

How pathetic do you have to be

To pay more attention to Michael Knight

(played by David Hasselhoff)

Than to me

Your sexy ex-girlfriend

And when you suggested that we watch Code of Vengeance

For our anniversary

(The spinoff with Charles Taylor starring as David Dalton

Where Dalton travels around in an RV with his dog

And helps people with his military fighting skills)

I couldn’t believe what a dick move that was

Because it’s not at all romantic

Jerkoff

***

Mint Hot Chocolate with Faux Kahlúa, No One Wants To Have Sex With You-a

1 tbsp. dark chocolate sauce

1 tsp. vanilla

6 oz. french-press brewed coffee

Splash raw cream

4 minty leaves of regret for your actions

Because I heard Rebecca, from the GameStop

Dumped you

Now neither of us wants you

Ha ha ha, serves you right

You weasel

***

Apple and Banana and Cranberry Spritzer, What Kind Of A Sick Fuck Owns A Poster of Elliot Spitzer

1 tsp. each cranberry, apple, banana syrup

Seltzer water, chilled

Splash of apple cider

Mix vigorously, and garnish with fresh slices of your own idiocy

Then explain to me

Who in their right mind

Frames a picture of the failed

And prostitution scandal-plagued

former Governor of New York

In their living room

As though he’s their idol

That poster always creeped me out

It’s like you’re just

Beyond help

And p.s.

You’re a cad and scuzzbag and a toxic lamer

Ugh, sorry for writing all these insults

On your prized mocktails recipes

I was just very angry with you

After we broke up

And I thought it would make me feel better

To screw with you and ruin your mocktails

So I’m sorry… that you’re such a repulsive dingus

Ugh! Okay, I’ll stop now

I clearly have a problem

With my asshat detector

And that’s something I should work on

So goodbye

And good luck

Schmuck

Get the Ultimate Humor Writing Cheat Sheet

A compendium of advice, concepts, books to read, and other resources to up your funny writing.

Success! Check your inbox, and confirm your email.

Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.