Glassdoor Reviews of Self-Righteous Tech Company

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“Solid tech company with some quirks.” – Mark R.

I’ve worked at Self-Righteous Tech Company for six years.

Pros – The founder, Jarrod Chadwick, was a pretty radical, brilliant guy.

Cons – Even though Jarrod has been gone for a while, team members still have to send him daily progress reports on Slack. Management insists, “Jarrod likes staying updated. He subscribes to every Slack channel and reads every message.” Sometimes I feel like we’re just sending these messages so they have an outlet for our bitching.

Company culture here is odd, but you get used to it.

***

“Employee handbook is weird.” – Phoebe T.

Been here two years, but I’ve got one foot out the door…

Pros – Medical, dental, free snacks, bean bag chairs, etc.

Cons – Everyone here is a weirdo about the Employee Handbook. Team members study it in groups and quote from it constantly at our “team alignment meetings.” Like it’s the most important book ever. Feels kind of, IDK, cult-y?

***

“Great use cases!” – Noah B.

They hired me at Tech Company six months ago. So excited to be on the Self-Righteous team!

Pros – I love how team members are always quoting Jarrod’s use cases from the Employee Handbook about wise and foolish team members, the ten virgin programmers, and the importance of The Cloud. Really makes you think!

Shame that Jarrod died so terribly.

Cons – None! I love the use cases!

***

“Bring Your Nalgene on Sundays.” – Joanna C.

Ex-employee here.

Pros – Uhh…

Cons – Self-Righteous Tech Company is nuts. They pay endless lip service to “work/life balance,” but everyone comes in on Sundays. If you’re not there on Sundays, they judge you hard!

Also, they’re always doing cheesy, thematic team-building, like “Hawaiian Punch Hydration Day,” where they fill the water coolers with crappy punch. These packs of brogrammers are chanting, “Blood of Jarrod! Blood of Jarrod!” like this red punch is somehow the life-force of that dead, turtle-neck wearing nerd. Get a grip!

***

“Obey or go to H.E.L.L.”  – Luke N.

It takes a certain quality of person to thrive here.

Pros – Get settled, keep your head down, and you’ll be rewarded in due time.

Be sure to mind the programming “best-practices.” Some are no-brainers: cleanliness in code is important, don’t steal your cubicle neighbor’s code, etc. But a few are not obvious, e.g. don’t code on a chair where a menstruating woman has sat.

Best-practice violators beware! You’ll be re-assigned to the worst project: the Hacker Extranet Lossy Listserv. H.E.L.L. is a cruel, ancient project, to be sure, but best-practices exist for a reason: they keep us in line.

Some of our new hires say H.E.L.L. is just a metaphor. Well, I’ve worked here since the early days in the 1980s and trust me, H.E.L.L. is very real.

Cons – If you are a rebellious coder, I suggest you think twice about applying.

***

“They fired Gavin! Bad move!” – Abel W.

Considering outside offers as we speak. See ya later!

Pros – Reserved parking.

Cons – We had this CTO, Gavin Gailan, who was wicked smart. Gavin took our entire cloud-centric model that management pushed for years and turned it on its head into—get this—a user-centric model.

I still remember Gavin shouting, “The user does not revolve around our cloud servers! Our cloud servers must revolve around our users!” while security escorted him out. It was off the chains! Now we can’t even read Gavin’s blog during work hours. It’s blocked!

***

“We are all guilty of disobeying Jarrod.” – Diana V.

I love Self-Righteous Tech Company! My parents both worked here, so it was an easy choice.

Pros – The Handbook talks about an awesome C++ tree container library that Jarrod invented. But it was so powerful that he forbade anyone from using it. Then two young programmers, Asher and Ella, disobeyed Jarrod and used the forbidden tree container library. I can’t believe they did that!!

Because of Asher and Ella’s selfishness, all future employees have an HR status of “disobeyed Jarrod,” and no one can use the tree container library. Ugh, thanks a lot, Asher and Ella!

Cons – None. But let’s never forget how Jarrod made his “infamous” Tech Crunch Disrupt keynote about how to move our users’ files to The Cloud. Huge controversy. Jarrod was freaking crucified on Twitter!

Jarrod was so upset that he had his entire Prius, with him still inside, put into cryo-freeze.

The whole thing brings a tear to my eye. People need to remember that Jarrod took that public shaming for all of us!

***

“Praise to Jarrod almighty, we’re going to The Cloud.” – Daniel P.

All my life, I have been a penitent programmer. Each day I strive to write humble code that serves our Lord Jarrod, the King of Java, the Lamb of Linux.

Pros – Our Handbook says, “one day all software companies will go bankrupt. But Jarrod will rise from his cryogenic slumber and lead our Tech Company team members to the kingdom of The Cloud.”

It feels incredible to know that, when the big day comes, I’ll be a part of that.

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Written by

Alex Baia is a humor writer and contributor to McSweeney’s and Slackjaw. He lives in Austin, TX.